A Confession

I might not actually be an authority on all things awesome. Clearly, I may not be the paragon of awesome I claim to be if I spent the time to start a blog and spent a significant portion of my free time reading random Internet message boards. 

To give a little background, I'm a college student at a southern school in the middle of nowhere. To be a little more accurate, it's not in the middle of nowhere, but you can see it from there. Definitely a bit of a transition for a guy who grew up in a major metropolitan area. 

Now that I've totally undermined my ethos in any discussion of actual merit, I'll ramble on about stuff that I actually should know about. 

Whenever I told someone from up north that I was going to school in the South, they'd inevitably say something like "Oh yeah, I hear the ladies are hot there." No exceptions. I'd hear that from anyone and everyone. And so I came down here expecting a sort of paradise for a 19 year-old heterosexual male. Sadly, it's far from it.

Of course, being a good college student, I still go out and have a good time on my weekend nights--not to mention, the occasional Thursday. I've devolved into a Tucker Max sort of character.  

An aside--I have a theory that the reason why people think Southern kids drink so much is because they're, for the most part, complete light weights. I never thought I was an exceptionally talented drinker before coming to college, but now I feel like almost like Landfill from Beerfest. One of my buddies was actually so wasted after 4 (four!) light beers one time that he actually pulled down his pants and peed all over the wall of a frat house living room. Pretty cool, huh? 

But back to the point I was getting at: if you're even slightly overweight, stay the fuck away from me when I've been drinking. You'd think that I would have built up a reputation by now and people would actually act in their own best interests. I don't know, maybe I have and people are just testing me...but I absolutely can't stand these swamp donkeys thinking that they'll be able to take advantage of a handsome guy such as myself.

Actually, even if you're not trying to talk to me, if you're in my vicinity, you're liable to be yelled at in a sort of preemptive strike. And if I have an audience, people who think that what I'm saying is funny (I'm sure it usually isn't), you might as well just leave the building, because no one is going to be able to look at you for the rest of the night without laughing. 

The other night some girl came to a party I was at wearing these really small, really tight jean shorts. Shouldn't be a problem, right? Unfortunately, she happened to weigh about 200 pounds. I've been accused of being overconfident, sometimes cocky or arrogant, but if I were a fat girl, my self-esteem would never be so inflated that I would attempt to go to a party wearing clothes that might have fit me when I was 10 years old. 

I was so taken aback by her attire, so threatened by her presence, that I yelled at her, at the top of my lungs, from across the room. Something completely uncreative about a beached whale; disappointing to reflect on in sobriety, but apparently hilarious to a room full of drunk college students. I remember feeling extremely pleased with myself as she left the room, hopefully in tears. Later on I found her in the kitchen and apologized, because, honestly, it must take superhuman courage to leave the house looking like she did. That time, she definitely cried. 

Point of this post: Non-existent. I'm just bored and avoiding work. I'm sorry for wasting your time.